MASTER CLEANSE

As the saying goes, “You are what you eat” and since I pretty much eat like crap and gorge myself whenever possible… I think I might have a problem!

Consequently, my friend Kim suggested we do THE MASTER CLEANSE. It’s a way to cleanse the body of toxins. It is also said to help remove cravings from things that negatively affect your body like alcohol, caffeine, and junk food. I thought of the big macs, the bacon, the coffee, the margaritas, the steak, the tacos, the french fries… well, basically after taking inventory of the shit I put in my body, I thought maybe THE MASTER CLEANSE might be a good idea.

I am a girl who likes to live life to the fullest! At times, I may be an over indulger in all things I enjoy, but for the most part I am a very active and pretty healthy girl.

[I wanted to take a quick moment here to respond to the (multiple) comments regarding my alcohol intake. I do not have a drinking problem! I write about events, parties, travel in my life and often mention the alcohol (and the excessive amounts of food and unhealthy stuff) I put in my body. This blog is just a sampling of the most exciting parts of my life. I do not have tequila shots for breakfast or drink every night for that matter. Thank you for your comments and concerns. You can stop now.]

I read all about THE MASTER CLEANSE online (I didn’t read the book, but I suggest you do if you are interest in learning more). I found that it involves drinking only lemonade made from fresh lemon juice, grade B maple syrup, water and Cayenne pepper. It is recommended to be do the cleanse for ten days, but it is not uncommon for people to stay on the cleanse for much longer (or on the other hand, for people to not last through the first day). A good indicator of when you are done is when the coating on your tongue clears and your tongue is nice and pink. This is a good way of telling if your body has cleared out most toxins. My tongue is a sexy pink color (OK, maybe I have a BIT of that white coating too). It’s important to listen to your body and judge for yourself when to end the diet (and that is just what I did)!

When doing THE MASTER CLEANSE people will also tend to lose a significant amount of weight. Though this is NOT a good reason to do it, it is a plus (I mean it is bikini season)! Beyoncé did it for 14 days, lost 22 pounds and looked super hot for the movie Dream Girls. I do realize that this is not a quick diet and the weight (mostly water weight) will return if a change in eating habits and lifestyle doesn’t follow.

I called Kim and told her I was in! MASTER CLEANSE here we come! I agreed to start on Monday after prepping over the weekend (by eating healthy and easy on the alcohol and caffeine). I planned on doing the best I could and just see what happens (I don’t have the best will power).

Day 1: Monday morning
7:45am. I woke early with the dogs and felt excited to embrace THE MASTER CLEANSE! I went to health food store to buy everything I would need (lots of lemons, bottled water, grade B maple syrup, senna leaf tea, sea salt and cayenne pepper) then returned home to get started.

8:30am. I started with the Saline Wash, which involved drinking 32 oz of warm spring water with 2 tsp. of sea salt. I made it less than half way (I feel like I’m drowning myself from inside out).

9am. I made my first lemonade.
The recipe:
2 tbsp lemon juice (about ½ a lemon)
1-2 tbsp of pure grade B maple syrup
1/10 tsp cayenne pepper
8-10 oz of purified water (warm to room temp)

Combine ingredients in a large water bottle and drink all day long about 60 oz per day.

It taste way better than I would have imagined, though I may have put too much cayenne pepper in this first batch because my throat was burning slightly all day. I drank 20 ounces in the morning (while at work and at the park where I did some writing).

11:30am. Kim called and told me she wasn’t going to do THE MASTER CLEANSE with me! Is she kidding? This was her idea! Grrr….

1pm. I went to the gym and felt extremely tired so I cut my work out short and instead went home to pass out for a nap. I woke up exhausted and craving coffee! I wasn’t feeling hungry, but my stomach was gurgling as I drank 20 more ounces of lemonade.

6pm. I drank Senna leaf tea (laxative tea). This is very important (though not so sexy to talk about). Your body is excreting lots of toxins and it’s super important to eliminate them. Now here is where my issue began. I drank 6 oz, the recommended amount of the tea… and nothing! I started feeling dry (cotton) mouth and dry eyes so I took out my contacts and drank some regular water.

6:50pm. I started dreaming of food! Healthy food, greasy food, ANY FOOD! I still crave coffee (does this mean I have a problem?) I started on my next 20 oz bottle, but I really wasn’t feeling it anymore.

8:20pm. I decided to have an herbal non-caffeinated tea sweetened lightly with my grade B maple syrup. My mind was still racing with thoughts of food and dreams of coffee. To make it stop, I decided to go to bed!

9:10pm. Lights out.

Day 2
8am. I woke a couple times during the night to use the bathroom (sadly, still only number 1) and with night sweats. My stomach hurt with cramps, but otherwise I was feeling fine.

8:20am. I made my lemonade, but started with plain water. Down the hatch! It was harder to drink this time. It still tasted good, but my stomach was so cramped and my lower back started to hurt too. I was NOT excited anymore about THE MASTER CLEANSE (Damn you, Kim)!

10am. I went for a hike with Tracee and the dogs, but I could feel myself dragging. I went to the Coffee Bean where I ordered an herbal tea (what I would give right now for an Ice Blended). I tried to write, but I was less than productive.

12pm. I finished my first 20 oz. of lemonade then headed home to nap and mope around. My back was killing me. My stomach was unbearably painful and it hurt to walk.

4pm. I finished another 20 oz and as I lay in front of the TV like a shlub… I decided THE MASTER CLEANSE was not for me. I understand after a couple days you are supposed to start feeling better, awesome in fact, but I guess I couldn’t hack it. I was in so much pain and I still hadn’t eliminated my toxins (Ha Ha! That’s my nice way of saying number 2). I would love to clean out my body, but this feels too much of a shock to my system. Too much for me… Maybe I’ll try OPRAH’s new cleanse that’s a little less extreme on the body (check it out at www.oprah.com) or try THE MASTER CLEANSE again when I’m spending a week alone and in pain on a desert island.

Coming off THE MASTER CLEANSE:
6pm. I drank another large glass of the senna leaf tea. My stomach was killing me. All I could do was lay on my bed.
I decided to break my fast with plain brown rice. Most suggest soup and fresh juice, but I couldn’t do it. I needed something bland.

6:20pm. The rice tasted good, but I could only eat about a half of a small bowl. Almost immediately after, the cramping became unbearable. I felt like I was going to explode (which is exactly what I did). I was in so much pain for a whole hour. The cramps felt like they were ripping my insides apart. I cried as I laid on my bathroom floor. I gagged and dry heaved from the pain. I texted my sister Rhonda who has done THE MASTER CLEANSE before many times and she said this reaction is normal and it will pass. Are you kidding me? This sucks! Why would anyone knowingly put themselves through this?

8pm. The pain finally did pass and I felt much better. I ate more brown rice and drank some water then hit the hay. I was exhausted!

What I learned from this THE MASTER CLEANSE is food and I guess the toxins in my body are FABULOUS! Ha! Ha!

Warnings & Tips
1. Please read the book and any info you can find online before jumping into THE MASTER CLEANSE! Listen to your body and use your best judgment. I also suggest asking your doctor and anyone you know who has done it successfully (unlike me) before even considering it.

2. Try Smooth Move tea instead of the Senna Leaf (the tea that I used). My sister said it makes you less crampy. Also, most results from the tea are unlike mine, so stay close to a bathroom!

3. Use Organic Grade B Maple Syrup – NOT Aunt Jemima’s. You can find it at a health food store and even Trader Joes.

4. Keep a journal to note your progress. You’ll want to remember if you ever get the stupid idea to try it again! Ha! Ha!

5. EASE OFF THE CLEANSE! Even though you are dreaming about Big Macs and cheesy gordita crunches from Taco Bell, they could really hurt you! There are many recipes online for soups that are gentle to your digestive system and great ways to come off the cleanse.

6. Eat healthier once you are off the cleanse. This is a good way to kick yourself in the ass and start a new, healthier lifestyle.

8. Listen to your body and follow what feels right. Don’t beat yourself up or feel guilty (like I did) for not making it 10 days or longer.

9. GOOD LUCK!